shit shit shit shit. tmr school is starting. BAD NEWS. why? cos i haven't done anything productive the entire holiday, and i still have so much work piled up, left undone. now i have this damn shitty feeling, this feeling of guilt, of fear. should i pray? it's my own fault that i'm now feeling this way, i think GOD can't help me. only i can help myself! but am i helping myself?? NOOOO. *pulls my hair hard* i'm so dead, so dead.

anyway on a good note, sfx came in 2nd for archbishop cup for both junior and senior!! it is indeed a remarkable feat for the senior team la. we went into the competition not expecting anything, erm actually expecting something la. to get knocked out in the group stages. cos the category is like under 20, then our players are like all small small young young, 14 to 15 years old majority. yea so in the group stages we won our first match against st michael's! then drew with olps, before losing 2 to christ the king and blessed sacrement. by then we had lost almost all hope la. but in our last group match against our lady of lourdes, we won 2-0. and qualified for the quarterfinals! JUST! cos out of the 3 groups, the top 2 qualify, with the next 2 best 3rd placed teams following. WE MADE IT! LAST TEAM THAT MADE IT! i was like wheeeeeeeeee! haha

but in the quarters we drew st. teresa, which is like the best team in the competition so far? in the group stages they totally owned all their opponents. AMAZINGLY WE WON THEM. thanks to frantic defending and goal by kevin. haha. before the match i was like praying, "father it is by your will we got into the quarters. if it is your will that we enter the semis, then YOUR WILL BE DONE." hahaha. what a way to pray hor? then in the semis we beat st. anthony by penalties. it had entered sudden death. tim scored, like phew. then when it came to the other team's kicker, he beckhamed the ball!! (blasted it over) before that i was like oh shit oh shit, because if that guy scored it would mean that i'm to take the next penalty. DAMN SCARY LA. THANKS FOR MISSING. haha.

sadly we lost in the final to queen of peace, YET AGAIN. play soccer for the glory of your name? maybe i said something wrong, that's why we lost. sorry jesus for talking nonsense. but nevermind! second is quite an acheivement already! wait another 2 years, we would be ready to kick under 20 arse man. haha. too bad for me, cos i might already have left. -pouts-

just wanna thank jesus for working this miracle for the team. wouldn't have done it without him watching over us. i shall now go and drown in my own sorrow and guilt, don't forget to send condolences after i die tmr. haha. kidding. bye people.

OK this entry is gonna be rather unfocused. cos on 5 other windows i'm talking to friends on msn. plus another one which is LOG infested. haha. KRISTIN! you today in suaning mood izit. haha. father ho, all his fault. haha.

anyway today started off really badly. woke up in the morning feeling a HUGE BURDEN on myself. all the unstudied textbooks, all the undone hw, all the unsettled band admin stuff. PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE. just suddenly came upon me in the morning. TODAY of all days. then while i was brushing my teeth, alot of stuff were going through my mind. things like how i'm gonna die if i dun start soon, things like how to even GET myself to start. i'm like, shit, 3 days left before school starts.

i was totally like at a loss. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? so yea i went in front of the altar and prayed. i wanted all these weights to be lifted off me! JESUS IS MY CRANE. haha. i suddenly had this yearning to go to church, sit inside the adoration room and go for mass. actually band was supposed to finish at like 6 or 7, but in the end it ended at 2! cos mr heng sent me a wrong message and gave me the wrong impression that the interview was today. so yea in the end i managed to do what i thought i wouldn't be able to do! PRAISE GOD for that.

sat in the adoration room and tried to talk to god. somehow or another i feel that whatever i'm saying is all crap. i'm crapping with jesus, as in literally crapping. model sentences coming out, not from my heart, it's quite a struggle i'm facing. but oh well the entire day i was saying, I NEED JESUS I NEED JESUS. yes i do need him, because without him i'll become a pancake under all my stress. if only i could chat with jesus on msn, that would be so darn nice. jesus needs a computer and an internet connection. starhub unlimited? yea that'll do fine. haha. let's burn one for him. ahhh crap.

to serve and not to be served. that's the altar servers motto! and today's gospel was bout that. haha. anyway this week's readings are all bout abram. today's one was kinda confusing, what bout sarai throwing her slave to abram. then abram hug the slave then she conceive? *runs ard in squares* haha. oh well then the slave ran to dunno where then the angel of the lord appeared to her! and said go back to sarai then she will have alot of descendents. haha. wah having alot of descendents is like kind of an attraction hor in the old testament. applies with abram. NAME YOUR SON ISHMAEL. dunno what. i really cnb. haha.

proton weera say very easy to discern god's will for you leh. really meh? do it without conditions of your own, just do what he tells you. hmmm. i dunno if i'm doing that, most probably not. i shall reflect more and think harder! show me the way, my saviour! my current status: lost sheep. haha. cya peeps.

My Saviour,Redeemer,
Lifted me from the miry clay,
Almighty, Forever,
I will never be the same,
Cause You cam near,
From the everlasting,
To the world we live,
The Father's only Son

You lived,and You died
You rose agin on high
You've opened the way,
For the world to live again,
Hallelujah,For all You've done

been looking at all the tagboards! haha leaven of god, full of spammers! but spamming is good. i don't mind my tagboard being spammed. feels so goooood.

back from soccer training! was good exercise, think i lost a bit of weight. *pinches my stomach* did some running, dribbling and shooting! but the ending was kinda bizzarre, cos poor jeremiah got stung by a bee, and then tim brought him home or something? dunno. then the rest of us just carried on shooting and i became the goalkeeper suddenly. in the end everyone just left. haha. oh well.

damn the banglas always come to the shelter at tavistock to sleep lor. i think today we ruined their comfortable area. cos we cleared all the mud on our boots on the floor! haha for a moment i was thinking what's the problem when they're sleeping with their own kind. ahhh racist! ok then went for lunch, saw audrey but daoed her :x. hahaha. sherman is damn funny, "you crazy ah!" "sickening!" all the dumb comments he keeps making. keeps talking bout his violent game st andreas or something? killing killing. bad. see what games are doing to kids these days! haha.

during training andrew asked sherman bout his new dog. asked the breed. then sherman said jack ker leen. then we were like confused, where got such breed? haha. only heard of jack russell. then talk and talk then realised the dog's name is JAQUELINE. so yea while going home just dropped by to take a look. so cute the dog! snouser (dunno how to spell) or something. saw aunty ginger, but didn't see onion. ahhh lame. haha. okok shall stop now. cya peeps:)

timothy soo has just turned up his crap level. wooo that's good news for me. now my tagboard seems so alive! haha. thank you all for the hugs! i feel so, breathless? *gasps for air* swee how come you need facial? too much oil on your face after the hot plate? hahaha. oh well it's past 11! i wonder if i'm gonna start entering into my crappy dimension. crapcrapcrap.

shit it's the final week of the holidays! why so fast! i haven't had enough of the after mass crapping, the late night chatting, the long sleeps. worst of all, i haven't really done anything productive the entire holiday. this is bad. i'm gonna flung my tests and exams when i get back to school. 100%! somebody stick a hot plate under my arse and get me going. otherwise i'm just gonna continue to slack and stay online doing absolutely nothing. thinking bout mass in the evening. OH YAH! i've started to strum tim soo's rotten classical guitar again. now i can play the starting of my redeemer lives, but i always get stuck at the Bsus4 chord. dunno wth is that. haha.

yesterday's and today's gospel seem very unrealistic, somehow. as in the examples it gives la. yesterday was bout dun judge others, and it talked bout spotting the splinter in your neighbour's eye but not the plank in yours. HOW DO YOU GET A PLANK IN YOUR EYES? jesus you're weird. haha. today was bout backstabbing i think. what dun throw your pearls and the pigs. cos they will trample on the pearls and what rip you into pieces? imagine pigs ripping me into pieces. haha that'll be really funny! oooo flying cows and dancing chickens cheering by the side. go pig go pig! oinkz oinkz grrrrr. haha. how come i'm suddenly reminded by sunday's wrestling at the pool. maybe cos 4 of them came jumping at me to take me down! ouch. stupid pigs.

shit mark is asking whether i got mug today. SHIT HE'S MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY! ahhhhh noooo. i need people to study with me. haha. and tmr it's so not gonna happen. i can just FEEL it now. soccer training! more sweat! more weight lost! can't wait. haha. okok i really can't think of anything else to blog already. i need more inspiration! i think i've yet to reach the stage of full jeslightenment. thinking of flying cows and dancing chickens ain't helping me much. i think violent pigs are better. haha. oh well takkare people! keep my tagboard going dun stop!

oinkz\m/

I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HUG NOW.(jessica where are you! haha) i'm so tired, so hungry, so worn out. i need a HUGE BEAR HUG! (not from justin kong though) hahaha. all the swimming and soccer and wrestling is killin me now! ya noe the after effects. haha.

Yay i blogged! so short but nevermind. haha. at least i did somethin to kill some time! ahhhh. raphael is seriously on a testosterone pill. haha. ARGH. so how's this for an entry jeslynn? haha gimme some of your blogging enthusiasm. ahhhhh. TAG MY TAGBOARD people. i better start on some testimonials on friendster. haha. before some people.....grrrr......haha. bye people! *hugx*

I really think i should update more often. haha. i'll no longer have the chane once the holidays are over! cos i'll be too busy MUGGING. yea right. Even now in the holidays i haven't been having much rest. it's so freakin irritating! every morning have to wake up at 7 plus to go to school, when i usually sleep till like 12 on normal holidays. why everyday must have lesson?!! ahhh. this is hardcore. i need a pillow.

Have been going for evening mass these few days! and going back very very late, like nine or ten. but it's really fun, all the chatting and all. i don't mind actually haha. again won't have the chance to have fellowship once the holidays are over. today alot of people went for mass. like so amazing. when we first went to sit down, there wasn't like anyone behind us. but during some point when i turned ard i was like WOW SO MANY! haha. joan and jeslynn kept giggling at the back, so typical of them. gives me the eeeek feeling. hahaha.

Even jill ann came! haven't seen her for ages. just smiled at each other. haha. but yea after mass we just talked a lil then followed swee down to video ezy. stood there and watched hitch like some freeloaders. i think i laughed like some crap there, embarrassed myself. haha. yup then we went home! hmm earlier in the day edwin heng treated me, yizha, mark, ambrose, kelvin, jonathan, daniel zhang to crystal jade! wow like it's my first time ever going there. hahaha. wow i think we ordered like so much stuff it costed quite a bomb. (edwin)heng ah! we don't need to pay. haha. lame. but yea it was really really really good. so so so good. hahaha. oh well.

Bought new hillsong cd to add to my collection:)) but kristin say not nice. haha. too bad i bought it already! arghhhhh. to those ppl who are sick, get well soon! cya guys lata.

BACK from confirmation retreat! Man the 3 days flew past like nobody's business, it really ended too quickly, for me at least. haha. What can i say bout it? it was truly an unforgettable 3 days. Besides the stupid mosquitos who gave me many scars for remembrance plus the suaning (which was totally directed at the wrong guy), everything else was good. eh no not good. but fabulous, marvellous, you name it.

I think all the loggers and yviners and msciers should know what happened la, so i shan't describe much. i just wanna thank a few ppl, starting with my group consisting of CONSTANCE, JUDE, JUSTIN, JOAN and JEROME. thanks for journeying with me all this while, you have been great people! feel so blessed. yup. next, thanks to the confirmants in my group! SEAN, JASON, CHRIS, SIMEON, NOEL, VANESSA, KAT and CLARA. though you guys most probably won't be able to see this, thank you for giving me the encouragement to perservere through your participation, sharings and INTEREST in god. love you ppl so much. finally. the one person i would never forget to thank and SHOULDN'T forget to thank. J-E-S-U-S! only in this camp did i finally realise how much he has changed me. how much he has helped in making the me of today. and oh am i so touched.

I've been crying for 2 consecutive days. That's good or bad i dunno. haha. first was sunday morning, when the ppl received the letters from their parents. really reminded me of the time i received from my parents. so cry and cry. then saw jessica and simeon comforting each other again, it was so damn touching that i continued crying again. blah. experience god's love through your parents! haha. then second time was this morninn. today i had my A maths mock exam! thank god it was good. yea so last night i was reallay reallay shagged cos the previous night was spent writing fuzzies and praising god. YES praising god. haha. yea but anyway, i needed to sleep a lil, so i slept at 8 and asked my mum to wake me at 9. GUESS WHAT, she set my alarm at 4am. SO good old me woke up at 4am, looking at the clock, i got so freaked out that i started to tremble. nono not that tremble, but literally shaking with fear. i'm like how how? A maths exam in a few hours and i haven't started! so i calmed down and prayed to jesus, but he didn't seem to be answering me! i'm like sitting at my desk looking at my notes, mumbling, "jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus" but my mind is like somewhere else in never never land. thinking of someone, something else.

Then suddenly i had this prompting to read my warm fuzzies before i OFFICIALLY start. and read i did. then when i came to jude's warm fuzzie, as i read the words, this sudden calmness suddenly came over me. and my heart felt moved, someone was warming it up. someone. "wow! praise god! look at who you have become.....and look at how the holy spirit has transformed you..." totally struck me. then suddenly i burst into tears, and exclaimed with the words, "i love you jesus!" i just felt that i needed to share this. it's just so funny, yet so touching, that he actually gave me a wake up call. jesus is god. i repeat. he is god.

Well i've said what i wanted to say. i have to stop now! sadly...i haven't been doing anything productive for the past 2 hours, thanks to the TV and DOTA. DAMN. stupid distractions. haha k bye people and continue to tag!! god blesss!!!

update update! finally. i'm actually doing this at the most awkward of times. like 1.24am in the morning. but what else can i do? i'm online and there's no one here to talk to me. hai. haha.

today was really really good! had an 8 hour long session, solid session. so much fun, so much laughter, yet so serious at the same time. well that's all part and parcel of the preparation for confirmation retreat. started with praise and worship session (yay!) and we sang the potter's hand! one of my favourite songs. haha. well that's not the point. i had a great time thanking and praising god! that's the important thing.

next it was LONG talk by jude, but was fruitful and funny, as always. the kind of jokes that jude can crack, super crappy but at the same time reallay funny. joshua the 600 000 women guy! haha. well after jude was actually yea, joshua aka the beng's turn to talk bout prayer! again rather benefiting. but i was kinda switching off cos my mind was like going, "lunch..WHEN IS LUNCH..growls." that's my stomach by the way, not me growling. haha.

After lunch came THE NEW ACTION SONG! it's actually some old but really cool song which teri had introduced to us, then me, justin, adam plus other came up with the actions!i think everyone had fun, especially during the tremble part when we had to shake and shake.haha.boy did i embarrass myself?but anyway i had alot of fun! hope everyone had enjoyed it. did right? yay. haha.

The day ended with a really long sharing session between me, joan, justin, constance and jude. i feel that it's through the grace of god the 5 of us were actually brought together, and personally i feel this is a hell of a group. the sharings were deep, touching and i heard many things, things which suprised me. things which i actually wasn't expecting to listen to. there was crying, outpouring, funny yet so profound at the same time. next we laid hands over each other, starting with jude. thank god that we have a great prayer dude in justin sim, whose words were constantly inspiring. they just came out, as if the spirit was prompting him to say all those things. jude teared, which was amazing, cos i've never seen him like that before. oh how ignorant i've been all this while, when my brothers and sisters were constantly being tormented by their pains and struggles.Yea so justin wasn't the only good prayer leader, jude was too. everytime he spoke, he spoke with such conviction, with such emotion, that i couldn't help but listen in awe. how wonderful is god, we are his instruments and he uses us.

During the whole time, many things were going on in my mind. Things like, what am i gonna do after this, why is this taking so long and stuff. Looking back, i kinda feel rather guilty, rather inadequate, being such a weak human being, unable to resist even these slightest distractions. under my breath i was praying, "jesus, i'm sorry for not being able to focus on you. please help me put all these things aside lord and use me. for i want to experience your holy spirit." well it was something like that. yea so when they were praying over me, i tried very hard to get a manifestation. but how wrong was i to do that. for now i know, relax and be yourself, for the lord will work through you in his own unique way, at times when you won't even notice. while praying for joan, my hands started to tremble (shh, dun laugh now, this is not song time). was it the spirit or was it just me? i tried to stop and it seemed to, but it continued soon after. why? this is so confusing.

people say i'm holy and stuff, future priest and all that bullshit. but based on my reflection and my actions, am i even worthy of you people saying these things bout me? like jude said, jesus is constantly knocking at the door of my heart, but it seems that the knob is spoilt or something. so many a time have i tried to squeeze it open, with all my might, all my strength, but why doesn't it open? now i sit at the door, tired, not knowing what to do. while jesus is constantly knocking knocking and knocking....jesus...OH HOW I WISH I COULD OPEN THIS DOOR OF MINE! *cries*

i've found someone whom i can talk bout God with very easily, someone who has been beside me all this while, my mum. i don't know what prompted me to start talking to her today, but in a matter of a few hours, we had talked about alot of things and i actually shared my struggle with her. from home, to kfc, to the optician, on the cab, in the lift, at home again, talking talking about God. She said something about, we are made perfect with God plus also reinforcing the point i learnt earlier in the day, the words jesus said, "Love one another as i have loved you." She gave me advice and also shared her own personal experiences, times when she lost her temper, or when she couldn't cope with work. all she had to do was sing come holy spirit, and all the power would come to her no matter what circumstance. The holy trinity lives in us, and so often we forget this important point. With God in our hearts, what is there to be afraid of?

"The holy spirit is the manifestation of the father's love for his son", is that correct? i wish jude were here now to answer. these words made me ponder, what does it actually mean? maybe not really the manifestation, but just as simple as being the father's love for his son. i shall take my time to slowly think of this, for i'm nothing but another stupid human being living on earth. oh how confusing can God be. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

Like mum said, speak to jesus in any way you like. speak to him in hokkien, chinese, even in your own language, HE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU. haha how funny is that. atppsijgpireyrphsreyh! hey jesus what did i just say. haha. well mum even said, we can even SCOLD JESUS. wow blasphemy. but one thing for sure, jesus is forgiving and will love us even if we do many things against his will. thank god for that!

BLESS YOU IF YOU HAVE READ TILL HERE. it's kinda long. sorry. haha. cya peeps ard!

shit shit shit shit. tmr school is starting. BAD NEWS. why? cos i haven't done anything productive the entire holiday, and i still have so much work piled up, left undone. now i have this damn shitty feeling, this feeling of guilt, of fear. should i pray? it's my own fault that i'm now feeling this way, i think GOD can't help me. only i can help myself! but am i helping myself?? NOOOO. *pulls my hair hard* i'm so dead, so dead.

anyway on a good note, sfx came in 2nd for archbishop cup for both junior and senior!! it is indeed a remarkable feat for the senior team la. we went into the competition not expecting anything, erm actually expecting something la. to get knocked out in the group stages. cos the category is like under 20, then our players are like all small small young young, 14 to 15 years old majority. yea so in the group stages we won our first match against st michael's! then drew with olps, before losing 2 to christ the king and blessed sacrement. by then we had lost almost all hope la. but in our last group match against our lady of lourdes, we won 2-0. and qualified for the quarterfinals! JUST! cos out of the 3 groups, the top 2 qualify, with the next 2 best 3rd placed teams following. WE MADE IT! LAST TEAM THAT MADE IT! i was like wheeeeeeeeee! haha

but in the quarters we drew st. teresa, which is like the best team in the competition so far? in the group stages they totally owned all their opponents. AMAZINGLY WE WON THEM. thanks to frantic defending and goal by kevin. haha. before the match i was like praying, "father it is by your will we got into the quarters. if it is your will that we enter the semis, then YOUR WILL BE DONE." hahaha. what a way to pray hor? then in the semis we beat st. anthony by penalties. it had entered sudden death. tim scored, like phew. then when it came to the other team's kicker, he beckhamed the ball!! (blasted it over) before that i was like oh shit oh shit, because if that guy scored it would mean that i'm to take the next penalty. DAMN SCARY LA. THANKS FOR MISSING. haha.

sadly we lost in the final to queen of peace, YET AGAIN. play soccer for the glory of your name? maybe i said something wrong, that's why we lost. sorry jesus for talking nonsense. but nevermind! second is quite an acheivement already! wait another 2 years, we would be ready to kick under 20 arse man. haha. too bad for me, cos i might already have left. -pouts-

just wanna thank jesus for working this miracle for the team. wouldn't have done it without him watching over us. i shall now go and drown in my own sorrow and guilt, don't forget to send condolences after i die tmr. haha. kidding. bye people.

OK this entry is gonna be rather unfocused. cos on 5 other windows i'm talking to friends on msn. plus another one which is LOG infested. haha. KRISTIN! you today in suaning mood izit. haha. father ho, all his fault. haha.

anyway today started off really badly. woke up in the morning feeling a HUGE BURDEN on myself. all the unstudied textbooks, all the undone hw, all the unsettled band admin stuff. PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE. just suddenly came upon me in the morning. TODAY of all days. then while i was brushing my teeth, alot of stuff were going through my mind. things like how i'm gonna die if i dun start soon, things like how to even GET myself to start. i'm like, shit, 3 days left before school starts.

i was totally like at a loss. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? so yea i went in front of the altar and prayed. i wanted all these weights to be lifted off me! JESUS IS MY CRANE. haha. i suddenly had this yearning to go to church, sit inside the adoration room and go for mass. actually band was supposed to finish at like 6 or 7, but in the end it ended at 2! cos mr heng sent me a wrong message and gave me the wrong impression that the interview was today. so yea in the end i managed to do what i thought i wouldn't be able to do! PRAISE GOD for that.

sat in the adoration room and tried to talk to god. somehow or another i feel that whatever i'm saying is all crap. i'm crapping with jesus, as in literally crapping. model sentences coming out, not from my heart, it's quite a struggle i'm facing. but oh well the entire day i was saying, I NEED JESUS I NEED JESUS. yes i do need him, because without him i'll become a pancake under all my stress. if only i could chat with jesus on msn, that would be so darn nice. jesus needs a computer and an internet connection. starhub unlimited? yea that'll do fine. haha. let's burn one for him. ahhh crap.

to serve and not to be served. that's the altar servers motto! and today's gospel was bout that. haha. anyway this week's readings are all bout abram. today's one was kinda confusing, what bout sarai throwing her slave to abram. then abram hug the slave then she conceive? *runs ard in squares* haha. oh well then the slave ran to dunno where then the angel of the lord appeared to her! and said go back to sarai then she will have alot of descendents. haha. wah having alot of descendents is like kind of an attraction hor in the old testament. applies with abram. NAME YOUR SON ISHMAEL. dunno what. i really cnb. haha.

proton weera say very easy to discern god's will for you leh. really meh? do it without conditions of your own, just do what he tells you. hmmm. i dunno if i'm doing that, most probably not. i shall reflect more and think harder! show me the way, my saviour! my current status: lost sheep. haha. cya peeps.

My Saviour,Redeemer,
Lifted me from the miry clay,
Almighty, Forever,
I will never be the same,
Cause You cam near,
From the everlasting,
To the world we live,
The Father's only Son

You lived,and You died
You rose agin on high
You've opened the way,
For the world to live again,
Hallelujah,For all You've done

been looking at all the tagboards! haha leaven of god, full of spammers! but spamming is good. i don't mind my tagboard being spammed. feels so goooood.

back from soccer training! was good exercise, think i lost a bit of weight. *pinches my stomach* did some running, dribbling and shooting! but the ending was kinda bizzarre, cos poor jeremiah got stung by a bee, and then tim brought him home or something? dunno. then the rest of us just carried on shooting and i became the goalkeeper suddenly. in the end everyone just left. haha. oh well.

damn the banglas always come to the shelter at tavistock to sleep lor. i think today we ruined their comfortable area. cos we cleared all the mud on our boots on the floor! haha for a moment i was thinking what's the problem when they're sleeping with their own kind. ahhh racist! ok then went for lunch, saw audrey but daoed her :x. hahaha. sherman is damn funny, "you crazy ah!" "sickening!" all the dumb comments he keeps making. keeps talking bout his violent game st andreas or something? killing killing. bad. see what games are doing to kids these days! haha.

during training andrew asked sherman bout his new dog. asked the breed. then sherman said jack ker leen. then we were like confused, where got such breed? haha. only heard of jack russell. then talk and talk then realised the dog's name is JAQUELINE. so yea while going home just dropped by to take a look. so cute the dog! snouser (dunno how to spell) or something. saw aunty ginger, but didn't see onion. ahhh lame. haha. okok shall stop now. cya peeps:)

timothy soo has just turned up his crap level. wooo that's good news for me. now my tagboard seems so alive! haha. thank you all for the hugs! i feel so, breathless? *gasps for air* swee how come you need facial? too much oil on your face after the hot plate? hahaha. oh well it's past 11! i wonder if i'm gonna start entering into my crappy dimension. crapcrapcrap.

shit it's the final week of the holidays! why so fast! i haven't had enough of the after mass crapping, the late night chatting, the long sleeps. worst of all, i haven't really done anything productive the entire holiday. this is bad. i'm gonna flung my tests and exams when i get back to school. 100%! somebody stick a hot plate under my arse and get me going. otherwise i'm just gonna continue to slack and stay online doing absolutely nothing. thinking bout mass in the evening. OH YAH! i've started to strum tim soo's rotten classical guitar again. now i can play the starting of my redeemer lives, but i always get stuck at the Bsus4 chord. dunno wth is that. haha.

yesterday's and today's gospel seem very unrealistic, somehow. as in the examples it gives la. yesterday was bout dun judge others, and it talked bout spotting the splinter in your neighbour's eye but not the plank in yours. HOW DO YOU GET A PLANK IN YOUR EYES? jesus you're weird. haha. today was bout backstabbing i think. what dun throw your pearls and the pigs. cos they will trample on the pearls and what rip you into pieces? imagine pigs ripping me into pieces. haha that'll be really funny! oooo flying cows and dancing chickens cheering by the side. go pig go pig! oinkz oinkz grrrrr. haha. how come i'm suddenly reminded by sunday's wrestling at the pool. maybe cos 4 of them came jumping at me to take me down! ouch. stupid pigs.

shit mark is asking whether i got mug today. SHIT HE'S MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY! ahhhhh noooo. i need people to study with me. haha. and tmr it's so not gonna happen. i can just FEEL it now. soccer training! more sweat! more weight lost! can't wait. haha. okok i really can't think of anything else to blog already. i need more inspiration! i think i've yet to reach the stage of full jeslightenment. thinking of flying cows and dancing chickens ain't helping me much. i think violent pigs are better. haha. oh well takkare people! keep my tagboard going dun stop!

oinkz\m/

I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HUG NOW.(jessica where are you! haha) i'm so tired, so hungry, so worn out. i need a HUGE BEAR HUG! (not from justin kong though) hahaha. all the swimming and soccer and wrestling is killin me now! ya noe the after effects. haha.

Yay i blogged! so short but nevermind. haha. at least i did somethin to kill some time! ahhhh. raphael is seriously on a testosterone pill. haha. ARGH. so how's this for an entry jeslynn? haha gimme some of your blogging enthusiasm. ahhhhh. TAG MY TAGBOARD people. i better start on some testimonials on friendster. haha. before some people.....grrrr......haha. bye people! *hugx*

I really think i should update more often. haha. i'll no longer have the chane once the holidays are over! cos i'll be too busy MUGGING. yea right. Even now in the holidays i haven't been having much rest. it's so freakin irritating! every morning have to wake up at 7 plus to go to school, when i usually sleep till like 12 on normal holidays. why everyday must have lesson?!! ahhh. this is hardcore. i need a pillow.

Have been going for evening mass these few days! and going back very very late, like nine or ten. but it's really fun, all the chatting and all. i don't mind actually haha. again won't have the chance to have fellowship once the holidays are over. today alot of people went for mass. like so amazing. when we first went to sit down, there wasn't like anyone behind us. but during some point when i turned ard i was like WOW SO MANY! haha. joan and jeslynn kept giggling at the back, so typical of them. gives me the eeeek feeling. hahaha.

Even jill ann came! haven't seen her for ages. just smiled at each other. haha. but yea after mass we just talked a lil then followed swee down to video ezy. stood there and watched hitch like some freeloaders. i think i laughed like some crap there, embarrassed myself. haha. yup then we went home! hmm earlier in the day edwin heng treated me, yizha, mark, ambrose, kelvin, jonathan, daniel zhang to crystal jade! wow like it's my first time ever going there. hahaha. wow i think we ordered like so much stuff it costed quite a bomb. (edwin)heng ah! we don't need to pay. haha. lame. but yea it was really really really good. so so so good. hahaha. oh well.

Bought new hillsong cd to add to my collection:)) but kristin say not nice. haha. too bad i bought it already! arghhhhh. to those ppl who are sick, get well soon! cya guys lata.

BACK from confirmation retreat! Man the 3 days flew past like nobody's business, it really ended too quickly, for me at least. haha. What can i say bout it? it was truly an unforgettable 3 days. Besides the stupid mosquitos who gave me many scars for remembrance plus the suaning (which was totally directed at the wrong guy), everything else was good. eh no not good. but fabulous, marvellous, you name it.

I think all the loggers and yviners and msciers should know what happened la, so i shan't describe much. i just wanna thank a few ppl, starting with my group consisting of CONSTANCE, JUDE, JUSTIN, JOAN and JEROME. thanks for journeying with me all this while, you have been great people! feel so blessed. yup. next, thanks to the confirmants in my group! SEAN, JASON, CHRIS, SIMEON, NOEL, VANESSA, KAT and CLARA. though you guys most probably won't be able to see this, thank you for giving me the encouragement to perservere through your participation, sharings and INTEREST in god. love you ppl so much. finally. the one person i would never forget to thank and SHOULDN'T forget to thank. J-E-S-U-S! only in this camp did i finally realise how much he has changed me. how much he has helped in making the me of today. and oh am i so touched.

I've been crying for 2 consecutive days. That's good or bad i dunno. haha. first was sunday morning, when the ppl received the letters from their parents. really reminded me of the time i received from my parents. so cry and cry. then saw jessica and simeon comforting each other again, it was so damn touching that i continued crying again. blah. experience god's love through your parents! haha. then second time was this morninn. today i had my A maths mock exam! thank god it was good. yea so last night i was reallay reallay shagged cos the previous night was spent writing fuzzies and praising god. YES praising god. haha. yea but anyway, i needed to sleep a lil, so i slept at 8 and asked my mum to wake me at 9. GUESS WHAT, she set my alarm at 4am. SO good old me woke up at 4am, looking at the clock, i got so freaked out that i started to tremble. nono not that tremble, but literally shaking with fear. i'm like how how? A maths exam in a few hours and i haven't started! so i calmed down and prayed to jesus, but he didn't seem to be answering me! i'm like sitting at my desk looking at my notes, mumbling, "jesus jesus jesus jesus jesus" but my mind is like somewhere else in never never land. thinking of someone, something else.

Then suddenly i had this prompting to read my warm fuzzies before i OFFICIALLY start. and read i did. then when i came to jude's warm fuzzie, as i read the words, this sudden calmness suddenly came over me. and my heart felt moved, someone was warming it up. someone. "wow! praise god! look at who you have become.....and look at how the holy spirit has transformed you..." totally struck me. then suddenly i burst into tears, and exclaimed with the words, "i love you jesus!" i just felt that i needed to share this. it's just so funny, yet so touching, that he actually gave me a wake up call. jesus is god. i repeat. he is god.

Well i've said what i wanted to say. i have to stop now! sadly...i haven't been doing anything productive for the past 2 hours, thanks to the TV and DOTA. DAMN. stupid distractions. haha k bye people and continue to tag!! god blesss!!!

update update! finally. i'm actually doing this at the most awkward of times. like 1.24am in the morning. but what else can i do? i'm online and there's no one here to talk to me. hai. haha.

today was really really good! had an 8 hour long session, solid session. so much fun, so much laughter, yet so serious at the same time. well that's all part and parcel of the preparation for confirmation retreat. started with praise and worship session (yay!) and we sang the potter's hand! one of my favourite songs. haha. well that's not the point. i had a great time thanking and praising god! that's the important thing.

next it was LONG talk by jude, but was fruitful and funny, as always. the kind of jokes that jude can crack, super crappy but at the same time reallay funny. joshua the 600 000 women guy! haha. well after jude was actually yea, joshua aka the beng's turn to talk bout prayer! again rather benefiting. but i was kinda switching off cos my mind was like going, "lunch..WHEN IS LUNCH..growls." that's my stomach by the way, not me growling. haha.

After lunch came THE NEW ACTION SONG! it's actually some old but really cool song which teri had introduced to us, then me, justin, adam plus other came up with the actions!i think everyone had fun, especially during the tremble part when we had to shake and shake.haha.boy did i embarrass myself?but anyway i had alot of fun! hope everyone had enjoyed it. did right? yay. haha.

The day ended with a really long sharing session between me, joan, justin, constance and jude. i feel that it's through the grace of god the 5 of us were actually brought together, and personally i feel this is a hell of a group. the sharings were deep, touching and i heard many things, things which suprised me. things which i actually wasn't expecting to listen to. there was crying, outpouring, funny yet so profound at the same time. next we laid hands over each other, starting with jude. thank god that we have a great prayer dude in justin sim, whose words were constantly inspiring. they just came out, as if the spirit was prompting him to say all those things. jude teared, which was amazing, cos i've never seen him like that before. oh how ignorant i've been all this while, when my brothers and sisters were constantly being tormented by their pains and struggles.Yea so justin wasn't the only good prayer leader, jude was too. everytime he spoke, he spoke with such conviction, with such emotion, that i couldn't help but listen in awe. how wonderful is god, we are his instruments and he uses us.

During the whole time, many things were going on in my mind. Things like, what am i gonna do after this, why is this taking so long and stuff. Looking back, i kinda feel rather guilty, rather inadequate, being such a weak human being, unable to resist even these slightest distractions. under my breath i was praying, "jesus, i'm sorry for not being able to focus on you. please help me put all these things aside lord and use me. for i want to experience your holy spirit." well it was something like that. yea so when they were praying over me, i tried very hard to get a manifestation. but how wrong was i to do that. for now i know, relax and be yourself, for the lord will work through you in his own unique way, at times when you won't even notice. while praying for joan, my hands started to tremble (shh, dun laugh now, this is not song time). was it the spirit or was it just me? i tried to stop and it seemed to, but it continued soon after. why? this is so confusing.

people say i'm holy and stuff, future priest and all that bullshit. but based on my reflection and my actions, am i even worthy of you people saying these things bout me? like jude said, jesus is constantly knocking at the door of my heart, but it seems that the knob is spoilt or something. so many a time have i tried to squeeze it open, with all my might, all my strength, but why doesn't it open? now i sit at the door, tired, not knowing what to do. while jesus is constantly knocking knocking and knocking....jesus...OH HOW I WISH I COULD OPEN THIS DOOR OF MINE! *cries*

i've found someone whom i can talk bout God with very easily, someone who has been beside me all this while, my mum. i don't know what prompted me to start talking to her today, but in a matter of a few hours, we had talked about alot of things and i actually shared my struggle with her. from home, to kfc, to the optician, on the cab, in the lift, at home again, talking talking about God. She said something about, we are made perfect with God plus also reinforcing the point i learnt earlier in the day, the words jesus said, "Love one another as i have loved you." She gave me advice and also shared her own personal experiences, times when she lost her temper, or when she couldn't cope with work. all she had to do was sing come holy spirit, and all the power would come to her no matter what circumstance. The holy trinity lives in us, and so often we forget this important point. With God in our hearts, what is there to be afraid of?

"The holy spirit is the manifestation of the father's love for his son", is that correct? i wish jude were here now to answer. these words made me ponder, what does it actually mean? maybe not really the manifestation, but just as simple as being the father's love for his son. i shall take my time to slowly think of this, for i'm nothing but another stupid human being living on earth. oh how confusing can God be. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

Like mum said, speak to jesus in any way you like. speak to him in hokkien, chinese, even in your own language, HE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU. haha how funny is that. atppsijgpireyrphsreyh! hey jesus what did i just say. haha. well mum even said, we can even SCOLD JESUS. wow blasphemy. but one thing for sure, jesus is forgiving and will love us even if we do many things against his will. thank god for that!

BLESS YOU IF YOU HAVE READ TILL HERE. it's kinda long. sorry. haha. cya peeps ard!